How to Move On After Divorce

The marriage is over.  The divorce papers are filed.  You are now a free person.  What next?  What can you expect after the divorce?  Did you have divorce expectations?
Well though the legal concept of the marriage may be over, depending on how long you were in the marriage or how “bad” the divorce was, there may still be residual connections to it.  You may not have even seen it coming.  How do you move on?  What about the kids?

According to Dr. Phil, “there is life after marriage.”  Like any situation in life, first one needs to recognize the situation.  The marriage is done, and denying it and not getting up off your feet and living life are not going to change that.  Don’t beat yourself up over it anymore.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  Forgive.  Set little goals for you.  This is you now.  Not we, but you.  This puts pressure on the single person now.  You exist now.  You are starting over.

At the same time some things don’t change.  Your job may be the same, or you may need to get a full time job now.  If you have kids, they still need food and a ride to school.  Those relationships need to be redefined with the new situation.  And new people may come into your life.  A babysitter may be needed for the kids.  There is a shift in responsibilities of who does what for the family as a whole.  If there are no kids, well you need to still take care of you.

There are counseling groups and meeting groups for those who are divorced.  Other divorced individuals get together and help each other cope with being alone; getting job support, and dealing with the new relationships you have with the kids and family in your life.  At some point, when you are ready you may consider starting to date.  Waite until the pain ends though.  Waite until you are sure you know you are not holding on.  Of course sometimes a marriage ends because there is someone already there.  Communication in any new relationships is paramount.  There is something true in learning from your past.  Also consider the kids.  Don’t put your life on hold for them, but at the same time respect their feelings and communicate.  They are still a part of you.  Forgive yourself in any case.  The marriage is over now.  You may consider getting to know you though before you move on.  Learn to love you again.  Get used to being alone now too.  It is OK.  Make healthy decisions with your exercise and diet.  Be proactive and try new things or do things you forgot you loved and you let slide in your marriage.  Take time to spend with your kids too.  This does take on a new meaning when it is just you.

Can you be friends?  Yes.  But both parties need to understand what that means.  A divorce redefines the relationship.  If one party still can’t respect the other, all the work in the world may not build a friendship.  Ask yourself if you were friends before the divorce?  How much conflict was there in the marriage?  Marriage conflict that ended it will not just disappear.  Though time may perhaps heal the pain of the divorce, it may never heal the relationship.  Sometimes that is the problem with the relationship, there was no foundation.  Maybe you were never friends.  Regardless, take a step into life.  It is scary perhaps, but it is yours.