Knowing When To Call It Quits In Your Marriage

So the marriage is over.  That is a hard thing to think about.  When two people enter into a contract “to have and to hold” one hopes it is for life.  There are no perfect fairy tale stories of the young couple having a constant rosy future.  A couple may realize they need help and get that help and continue on together.  But there may come a time when the only way for both parties to the marriage to have mutual healthy happy lives, the marriage must end.

In this day and age, marriage is no longer the traditional “leave it to beaver” relationship.  The expectations of both parties are not based on the old notions of specific roles of husband and wife.  In fact the roles traditionally held by one partner can often be fulfilled by either.  Even having a child does not require marriage.  At the same time those who get married, get married for all the traditional reasons.  And yet probably half of all marriages end in divorce.  Why?

Well there are different theories out there.  For example, Mark Sichel, LCSW gives 10 commandments for marriage:  1) think before you talk, 2) write about all the bad thoughts you have had and then destroy the letter and move on with a smile, 3) Don’t argue with feelings, but put yourself in your partners shoes and have empathy, 4) respect privacy, 5) remember special events, 6) never over react, 7) appreciate your spouse, and stay interested and positive, respect your mate, 9) accept them as they are, and 10) do fun things together, intimate things, and take interest in each other interests.  Psychologist Dr. Howard Markman claims there really is only one truth to a marriage make-over- effective communication and knowing how to deal properly with conflict.  Of course there is couples counseling, which actually is meant to help couples re-learn how to communicate and deal with conflict.

But sometimes all the work to keep a marriage together does not pay off.  When can you tell it is over?  Well Dr. John Gottman, Marital researcher, has combined both interviews, videotaped interactions, and actual physical examinations of married couples body functions to determine when one can tell a couple will divorce.  According to the good doctor, there are 4 main clues as to when a marriage will end.  The four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in couple interaction, as he calls them are 1) criticism, 2) defensiveness, 3) contempt, and 4) stonewalling.  Dr. Howard Markman of the University of Denver and Dr, Clifford Notarius of Catholic Univeristy of America states that there are three indications a marriage is over, 1) either partner withdrawls from conflict (usually the male), 2) tendency to escalate fights and to keep fighting until they get ugly, and 3) tendency to hurl insults to invalidate the relationship.  Of course there are also a lack of intimacy and one spouse caught cheating that are clear signs things are going wrong.

How hard do you have to work to keep the marriage going?  Well that depends on the individual case, and how much both parties want to work to keep it going.  A marriage is two people, though in the case of children, the relationship may involve the needs of more.  It is ok to move on also depends on the relationship, however if the marriage is destructive to the health and well being of either partner, it seems that it may be necessary to say good bye.