According to Dr. Phil, “there is life after marriage.”  Like any situation in life, first one needs to recognize the situation.  The marriage is done, and denying it and not getting up off your feet and living life are not going to change that.  Don’t beat yourself up over it anymore.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  Forgive.  Set little goals for you.  This is you now.  Not we, but you.  This puts pressure on the single person now.  You exist now.  You are starting over.

At the same time some things don’t change.  Your job may be the same, or you may need to get a full time job now.  If you have kids, they still need food and a ride to school.  Those relationships need to be redefined with the new situation.  And new people may come into your life.  A babysitter may be needed for the kids.  There is a shift in responsibilities of who does what for the family as a whole.  If there are no kids, well you need to still take care of you.

There are counseling groups and meeting groups for those who are divorced.  Other divorced individuals get together and help each other cope with being alone; getting job support, and dealing with the new relationships you have with the kids and family in your life.  At some point, when you are ready you may consider starting to date.  Waite until the pain ends though.  Waite until you are sure you know you are not holding on.  Of course sometimes a marriage ends because there is someone already there.  Communication in any new relationships is paramount.  There is something true in learning from your past.  Also consider the kids.  Don’t put your life on hold for them, but at the same time respect their feelings and communicate.  They are still a part of you.  Forgive yourself in any case.  The marriage is over now.  You may consider getting to know you though before you move on.  Learn to love you again.  Get used to being alone now too.  It is OK.  Make healthy decisions with your exercise and diet.  Be proactive and try new things or do things you forgot you loved and you let slide in your marriage.  Take time to spend with your kids too.  This does take on a new meaning when it is just you.

Can you be friends?  Yes.  But both parties need to understand what that means.  A divorce redefines the relationship.  If one party still can’t respect the other, all the work in the world may not build a friendship.  Ask yourself if you were friends before the divorce?  How much conflict was there in the marriage?  Marriage conflict that ended it will not just disappear.  Though time may perhaps heal the pain of the divorce, it may never heal the relationship.  Sometimes that is the problem with the relationship, there was no foundation.  Maybe you were never friends.  Regardless, take a step into life.  It is scary perhaps, but it is yours.

In this day and age, marriage is no longer the traditional “leave it to beaver” relationship.  The expectations of both parties are not based on the old notions of specific roles of husband and wife.  In fact the roles traditionally held by one partner can often be fulfilled by either.  Even having a child does not require marriage.  At the same time those who get married, get married for all the traditional reasons.  And yet probably half of all marriages end in divorce.  Why?

Well there are different theories out there.  For example, Mark Sichel, LCSW gives 10 commandments for marriage:  1) think before you talk, 2) write about all the bad thoughts you have had and then destroy the letter and move on with a smile, 3) Don’t argue with feelings, but put yourself in your partners shoes and have empathy, 4) respect privacy, 5) remember special events, 6) never over react, 7) appreciate your spouse, and stay interested and positive, respect your mate, 9) accept them as they are, and 10) do fun things together, intimate things, and take interest in each other interests.  Psychologist Dr. Howard Markman claims there really is only one truth to a marriage make-over- effective communication and knowing how to deal properly with conflict.  Of course there is couples counseling, which actually is meant to help couples re-learn how to communicate and deal with conflict.

But sometimes all the work to keep a marriage together does not pay off.  When can you tell it is over?  Well Dr. John Gottman, Marital researcher, has combined both interviews, videotaped interactions, and actual physical examinations of married couples body functions to determine when one can tell a couple will divorce.  According to the good doctor, there are 4 main clues as to when a marriage will end.  The four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in couple interaction, as he calls them are 1) criticism, 2) defensiveness, 3) contempt, and 4) stonewalling.  Dr. Howard Markman of the University of Denver and Dr, Clifford Notarius of Catholic Univeristy of America states that there are three indications a marriage is over, 1) either partner withdrawls from conflict (usually the male), 2) tendency to escalate fights and to keep fighting until they get ugly, and 3) tendency to hurl insults to invalidate the relationship.  Of course there are also a lack of intimacy and one spouse caught cheating that are clear signs things are going wrong.

How hard do you have to work to keep the marriage going?  Well that depends on the individual case, and how much both parties want to work to keep it going.  A marriage is two people, though in the case of children, the relationship may involve the needs of more.  It is ok to move on also depends on the relationship, however if the marriage is destructive to the health and well being of either partner, it seems that it may be necessary to say good bye.

Some people want life to run smoothly and to protect loved ones from harm. In the process, they become controlling out of self- imposed duty to others. They set boundaries, rules, guidelines, collect information, and push others to do things. Sometimes these are good characteristic yet at other times, it is a characteristic of a controlling person.

A controlling person does not intend to be that way. The true intentions are for good things to happen to others by managing the situations and people. Yet, even good intentions can be wrong or inappropriate. To some people, the controlling person is pushy and obnoxious.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you are a controlling person.

1. Do you feel most people do not do their jobs as good as you do yours?

2. Do you try to help other people meet their goals whether they ask for your help?

3. Do you worry that situations will fall apart if you do not lend a helping hand?

4. Do you feel that other people often disappoint you or let you down?

5. Do you believe someone always needs to be in charge of most situations?

6. Do you try to push people to do “the right thing” even when they are unsure it is the thing to do?

7. Do you have over average standards for yourself?

8. Were you at anytime in the past judged, criticized, or manipulated by an authority figure such as a parent?

9. Do you feel most people do not live up to their fullest potential?

10. Do you compulsively dislike disorder, erratic schedules, or messiness?

If you answer yet to four or more questions, you have the personality containing controlling traits. You may be eager to fix problems or situations since you tend to believe that if things were dealt with better they would have a far better outcome.

When you are taking on the responsibility of someone else’s situation, here are a few ways to deal with the situation without being controlling or forceful.

1. Offer to help only when the situation requires your assistance. Avoid looking for reasons to solve the possible problems.

2. Wait for the person so ask for your help. When people know you have the strengths to get a job done, they will ask you to help them.

3. Avoid giving orders. Instead, make suggestions. Making suggestions will help you avoid appearing to be demanding or rude.

4. Learn to accept criticism. When asking someone their opinion, listen graciously and do not be offended if they say something you do not agree with.

5. Learn to remain silent. Sometimes you will appreciated more for not offering your advice especially if the advice is unsolicited.

Being a controlling person leads to damaged relationships. Reevaluate yourself to see where you are controlling. Make a point to charge the controlling characteristics, changing all your relationships.

]]> http://elleniche.com/?feed=rss2&p=135 0 http://elleniche.com/?p=132 http://elleniche.com/?p=132#comments Tue, 29 Dec 2009 22:38:50 +0000 admin http://elleniche.com/?p=132

You are an easygoing person who can compromise. You are known as the mediator. You also know most of the time you will not argue to get your way. Yet even with these good qualities, most of the times you feel like people tend to walk all over you. To make the changes to put a stop to the misuse of people calls for a plan of action.

Make a list of the reasons you want to change. The reasons need to be your personal reason and not what anyone else may have told you need to be done. Examples of the reasons may include, “to be appreciated more” or “to stop people for taking advantage of me just because I am nice.” Change for you instead of others since it will be more beneficial in time. Once you have created a list containing at least five reasons, share them with a friend who you can share your plans. It always helps to have someone in your life that is supportive and will offer guidance for the times you will possible backslide on the changes.

Realize to become assertive requires time to make the adjustments in your life as well as practice. Practice your techniques in front of a mirror. Say the things you want to say and watch your posture when you are talking. Make sure to speak clearly and slowly. Avoid fidgeting and stammering. Practicing will make you comfortable. To add to the comfort, practice in front of your friend. At first, it will feel awkward, yet that is normal. Take the time to get comfortable with the new you so practice until you reach a level of comfort.

When you are comfortable with the new changes, present the new you to the world. It is important to follow your plan of action to be assertive. The night before implementing your plans, get a good amount of sleep. The day of the new you, dress for success. The way you dress increases your confidence.

Do not take on more than you can handle with the new you. Take little parts of your life to make the assertive changes. Use the smaller areas to build to the larger areas. An example of a smaller area is a time someone wants to do something together where you honestly do not want to do or will enjoy, make a point of expressing your feelings that something both of you will enjoy instead.

Do not back down from your decisions. If someone does not appreciate, your efforts to change then most likely they are not worth your time in the first place. Remember even though you have made the decision to be more assertive and avoid others taking advantage of you, it will still happen occasionally and you do not have the right to treat anyone as you were once treated. No one likes a person that is a tyrant. Be respectful when being assertive.

Low self-esteem can be a harmful thing to many people. Learning to improve your self-esteem will lead to a happier life. Here are seven ways to boost your self-esteem quickly.

1. Reflect on something you did for the first time. It is normal to feel nervous with everything that is a new experience. There were high levels of stress and anxiety yet that is a completely normal to all new experiences. The unknown is a scary thing for anyone.

2. Do something you have been avoiding to do. Make the decision to do them and learn the terrific feeling by accomplishing the task. There are several examples of things people tend to avoid such as organizing the bills, fixing the car, calling a friend, and trying a new recipe.

3. Do something you are good at doing. Everyone has a talent so find the talent you have and use it to improve your self-esteem. You will find you are competent and are able to face the obstacles in your life once you gain the confidence.

4. Stopping dwelling about yourself and take the time to think how you can do something nice for someone else. Many people that have low self-esteem concentrate too much on themselves creating the low opinion.

5. Learn to relax without thinking. Take the time to learn to meditate, which helps to remove the stress and anxiety of the normal life style and replaces it with a calmer and healthier attitude. Learning to relax will create a better way of life in all situations since you will not be “wound tight” and filled with anxiety of doing things wrong or incorrectly. You will learn to allow yourself to feel the terrific person you really are when you are not thinking about other issues in life. See yourself as you really are by taking the time to learn the art of relaxation.

6. Remember all of the things you have achieved. This will be difficult at first since you are so down about yourself. You need to develop a mental list of the things you have done in the past. This will help you develop self-esteem by realizing you have done several things in the past that are wonderful. Think about things such as passing the test you studied so hard for, saving money for the car, finally being able to afford your new apartment, or making that perfect meal from the difficult recipe.

7. Remember that it okay to be wrong. Everyone is wrong about something at some point in their life. Quit beating yourself up for making a mistake. Instead, learn from the mistake. Tell yourself things will be different and better in the future since you now know what you did wrong in the past.

Breast Enlargement Tips

All most all women are concerned about their breast size. In most cases it was found woman having small sized breast often feel insecured. Women feel confident and happy if they hold big size breast. Many factors play role behind small breast size. There are two main explanations behind this problem- Genetic disorder and Hormonal imbalance during puberty. Genetic disorder means if any of your female family members have similar problem. Apart from these two factors there are other causes like breast feeding, child bearing and weight loss.

Breast size can be enhanced naturally by doing breast enlargement exercise, massaging and using herbs and herbal supplement.

Here are some natural breast enlargement tips-

Exercise is very effective for enhancement of breast. One of the useful breast enlargement exercises is push up against wall. In this exercise, you have to stand two feet away from wall, facing toward wall and place your palm in wall in such a way that you are pushing wall. Then bend your elbows and lean towards the wall. Try to touch wall by your nose. Then move back slowly to previous position. Doing this exercise for 10-12 times a day helps to increase breast size.

Some yogic postures also help in enlargement of breast. It will be good if these postures will be done under a yoga expert. Dumb bell exercise also helps in toning muscles of the chest which lie behind breast.

Another natural breast enlargement technique is massaging breast. It has dual benefit. It tones tissues of breast as well as remove toxic materials accumulated in that area. The reason behind this is due to massaging of breast blood circulation increases in breast tissue. Fenugreek seeds oil is very effective in this regard. You can do breast massage at home as well as you can take help of an expert masseuses at private sitting. Doing breast massage in regular manner facilitate toning of adipose tissue of breast.

Breast size can be increased using herbal breast enlargement technique. This is most easiest way of increasing breast size than any other breast enlargement methods. A compound called phytoestrogen triggers formation of adipose tissue of breast. It has similar function that the hormone estrogen has. This type of supplement incorporated as pill, cream, gel or lotion. While using these creams one should resist themselves from consuming coffee, tea or other caffeine containing food because caffeine inhibits the function of phytoestrogen.

Certain herbs like fenugreek, red clover, fennel seeds also use to increase breast size.

Apart from above tips following are some useful tips for enlargement of breast.

Try to avoid intake of caffeine, it decrease breast size.

Try to free your breast free as much as possible. Yes, go braless! It helps to grow breast cells naturally. Don’t use tight bra. Tight bra or any tight garments inhibits healthy production of breast cells.

Diet should be proper as balance diet need to maintain hormonal balance. Hormone play important role in formation of breast tissue. Even if you are taking herbal breast enlargement pills then also you need proper diet because these pills contain product which has similar function like estrogen hormone.

]]> http://elleniche.com/?feed=rss2&p=125 2 http://elleniche.com/?p=122 http://elleniche.com/?p=122#comments Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:55:52 +0000 admin http://elleniche.com/?p=122

Wrinkles are fine creases which appear on face, hand and neck due to aging. With advancement of age, the collagen and elastin found in connective tissue become weak or decrease in number, thus skin loses fat content and elasticity cause creases in skin. As time passes, these creases become more prominent and deep.

Though wrinkles are the part of aging but there are some other reasons due to which wrinkles can appear early. Exposure to sun for long hours is the main reason of getting wrinkles at early age. Other reasons which enhance wrinkling at early age are smoking, pollution, repeated motion, excessive drug uses, depression, losing body weight and loss of vitamin E. Most affected areas are skin around the eye, neck and lip.

We all want to look younger and try different anti aging creams, lotion, herbal remedies, and of course so called grandma tips for rejuvenation of skin and to look younger. There are both natural treatments as well as cosmetics to get rid off wrinkles. If you opt for natural treatment then you can save money also. Natural home treatments have no side effects at all.

Here are some natural home remedies which help to cure wrinkles:-

Before going bed, take a castor oil massage all over the face. Instead of castor oil, we can use coconut oil as well. This act as one of the good home remedies for wrinkle.

Under eye wrinkles can be treated naturally with Egg whites. Egg whites can be applied to skin under eye to cure wrinkle.

Apply the paste made-up of sugarcane juice and turmeric on wrinkle affective area of face. It is very effective home remedy for wrinkles. Honey has a property to fight wrinkles. Mixture of honey, olive oil and cream is used to treat wrinkle naturally.

There is another herbal remedy that cures wrinkle. Take a quarter cup of comfrey infusion, add equal quantity of witch hazel into it and pour 10 drops of patchouli natural oil in the mixture, store the solution in clean bottle and apply it daily with the help of cotton ball.

Loss of vitamin E is the main cause of getting wrinkles at early age – so taking vitamin E supplements is used to cure for wrinkles. Here is a few important useful herbal home remedy containing vitamin E to combat wrinkles:

Make paste of two tsp of plain yogurt, half tsp honey and half tsp lemon juice then add content of 3 capsules of vitamin E into it, Apply this paste all over the face with help of cotton ball. Leave it for 10 minutes.

Avoid long exposure to sun as harmful ultra violet rays trigger formation of wrinkles. Over exposure to air-condition or room heater made skin dry, so application of heavy moisturizer act as a barrier in formation of process of ageing.

Drinking plenty of water also keep our skin hydrated. Using plenty of fruit or fruit juice also helps us to get rid of wrinkles. We can’t underestimate role of balanced diet for healthy and youthful looking.

PS: These herbs are better to be used after consulting your doctor or herbalist.

]]> http://elleniche.com/?feed=rss2&p=122 1 http://elleniche.com/?p=116 http://elleniche.com/?p=116#comments Fri, 24 Jul 2009 23:24:31 +0000 admin http://elleniche.com/?p=116 Watching weight? Read food labels carefully if you are serious about watching your weight, staying healthy or following a special diet, foodlabels are required reading. Labels provide you with all the information you would ever want to know about the foods you eat.

But food labels can be tricky. Without reading between the fineprint, it may be difficult to tell whether the food inside the packageis right for your diet. Food labels are good sources of nutritional information, but they are only helpful if consumers understand what they mean,” said a registered nurse.

Much of the information we find on food labels appears becauseit is required by government regulations. Food manufacturersmust list the name of the product, net contents or weight, an ingredients list, nutrition information per serving and percentageof U.S. recommended daily allowances of certain vitamins and minerals.

Fresh meats, poultry, fish, fruits and vegetables and otherfoods that contain specific mandatory ingredients do not requirea list of ingredients. When ingredients are listed on the label, the one in largest quantity appears first, down to the smaller quantity.

“When an ingredient high on the list is restricted in your diet,such as sodium, it’s probably best to avoid that food,” experts advise.If you are trying to limit your sodium intake, you can also read the label to find out how many milligrams of sodium are in oneserving of a product. The estimated safe and adequate daily dietary intake of sodium is 1100 to 3300 mg.

Reading labels also is helpful if you are following a low-fat diet.You can calculate the amount of fat in a product by multiplying the grams of fat (listed on the label) by nine and dividing the result by total calories per serving. This gives you the percentage ofcalories that come from fat in one serving.

According to the American Heart Association, no more than30 percent of our daily total calories should come from fat.While they tell the truth, labels are puzzling because they can be misleading. Words like “lite,” “low-fat” and “no cholesterol” attractyour attention and make you believe you are buying something healthy. But do you really know what these words mean?

For example, when you see the words “no cholesterol” on a bottleof vegetable oil, you may be inclined to select that brand over another. The label makes you believe you are purchasing something special that is good for your health.

But the truth is, many products that claim “no cholesterol” never had cholesterol in the first place. “Cholesterol is only found in animal products such as red meats, poultry, sea food, eggs and dairy items,” practitioners say. “When you see a jar of peanut butter, loaf of bread or potato chips that say ‘no cholesterol,’ these productsmay have never contained it to begin with. Even when a product is cholesterol free, it still may be high in saturated fat, they say. Margarine, for example, does not contain cholesterol, but has the same amount of fat as butter and also should be used in moderation. The terms “low calorie” and “reduced calorie” also can be tricky. They sound familiar inmeaning but actually have very distinct definitions, according toU.S. Food and Drug Administration regulations.

Low calorie means the product has 40 or less calories perserving, whereas reduced calorie means the product contains one thirdfewer calories than the standard product, experts explain.

Be especially cautious of the terms “Lite” and “Light,” whichare not federally regulated. These words can mean lighter color, lighter taste, fewer calories, less fat or just about anything.

Here are some other common labeling terms and their definitions:

• Sodium-free — less than five milligrams of sodium per serving.

• Low-sodium — 140 milligrams or less per serving.

• Unsalted, no salt added or without added salt — none was

added during processing, but the food may contain some naturally.

• Natural — this word can mean anything — or nothing.

Won’t power doesn’t work very well — in fact, it usually doesn’t work at all. That’s why 19 out of 20 people who try to lose weight usually gain it all back.

When people use the word willpower, they usually mean its negative underside — won’t power — expressed in terms of what they’ll be giving up: favorite foods and comfortable habits.

Won’t power is a negative tool that attempts to achieve an aim by default, by virtue of not doing something. To see just how ineffectual

won’t power is, consider the old game of trying not to think of an elephant. The elephant image insinuates itself in your brain no matter how hard you try to blank it out. Trying not to think of chocolate doughnuts or cigarettes has the same result.

In weight-loss efforts, won’t power puts the emphasis on doing without: on resisting old favorites, cutting down on quantities, doing hand combat with the chocolate devil when faced with a plate of brownies.

Fasting — doing without food altogether — is the ultimate expression

of won’t power. The implied message of a fast: “I’m so helpless when faced with food that I can’t deal with it at all.” Won’t power, taken to its extreme — not eating at all — is obviously not a permanent solution to a weight problem. How can you learn

how to eat by not eating! Well then, just what is real will power? The word gives itself away by the part of speech it puts first: “will,”

not the muscle-flexing noun but the well-intentioned verb. The will in

willpower is an action word that talks about something you’re going to do:

Today, tonight for dinner, for the rest of your life. As in: “I will learn to eat and enjoy healthy non-fattening foods.” It’s usually verbalized more colloquially and less formally: “I’m going to learn how to become a low calorie cook,” “I’m signing up for cross country ski lessons.”

The shift in emphasis is significant. The statement, “We’re not going to

stop for take-out fried chicken any more,” focuses on doing without fried chicken.

Here’s the flip side, willpower at work: “Tonight, I’m going to make oven-fried chicken the low-calorie way, with all our favorite seasonings. And a great big salad with lots of colorful veggies.”

There’s nothing dreary or self-denying about real willpower. Deciding

to be good to yourself by eating healthy foods, hiking in the woods,

joining the smoke-free majority are all positive, pleasurable, life-affirming actions that energize you to do good things for yourself, things that make you happy and feel good.

Willpower decisions can’t have any negative words in them like “won’t”

or “not.” “I will eat fresh fruit,” is a will-power decision. Even though it

contains the word “will,” “I will not eat candy” is a “won’t power” statement.

It’s just another way of saying what I won’t do instead of what I will

do. Try to catch yourself trying to use won’t power instead of willpower. Then think of its more powerful opposite.

For example:

• Won’t power is sitting grimly transfixed by another person’s chocolate mousse, then caving in when they offer to share it. Willpower is ordering fresh raspberries for dessert — who cares what they cost!

• Won’t power is squeezing into clothes that don’t fit, a kind of self flagellation and public humiliation you foist on yourself as punishment for gaining weight. Willpower is looking good right now with clothes that fit and flatter (you can always take them in).

• Won’t power is skipping breakfast (to save calories), then succumbing to the pastry cart at coffee break. Will power is stocking your freezer with a year-round supply of berries to go with your high-fiber breakfast cereal.

• Won’t power is going to the pizza place with your friends and watching them eat (then stopping off at the Ice Cream parlor by yourself).

• Willpower is making your own pizza: with whole wheat crust, crunchy veggie toppings, fresh herbs and lean mozzarella.

The difference between will power and won’t power is all in your head.

To a casual observer, two people assembling a salad may seem to be doing essentially the same thing. But one salad maker is doing it with enthusiasm and imagination, while the other is doing it grudgingly, heart and mind still focused on the fried onion rings s/he didn’t order.